Still missing something...And I've Tried Everything...

I've only been doing this shite for a couple of days, but I'm feeling a wee bit better about things already.  Again that could be the fact of not boozing, so I'm gonna try and keep that up for as long as I can.  But fuckit, we'll see how it goes.  I need to try and determine whether I'm feeling "sad" because my life isn't how I imagined it would be right now.  Or whether I'm "ill".

It's a nice feeling knowing that people like me, (regardless of the fact I can't see the reasons why).  But I do feel like a lot of the time I'm the sad clown, I try and make people laugh, and have them enjoy being around me.  Then when they're all gone, and I'm on my own, I lock myself away and burst in to tears.  What the fuck is that all about?!

I think a lot of the problem is to do with my childhood.  Don't worry, I don't have some "dodgy uncle" story to tell.  More to do with the fact that my childhood was better than good.  Fair enough we didn't have loads, but on the whole it was happy.  I had lots of mates, enjoyed myself - simply it was ok.  Then all of a sudden, people started dying.  My dad's brother, my grandparents.  All within a couple of years, and I didn't know how to deal with the fallout from that.  And I don't think I've been right ever since.  What do these medical cunts call it? Root cause?!  Ahh fuckit who cares.

Now I'm a wee bit older, I've still got lots of good mates.  I don't find it difficult to meet people and bore them to tears with my "issues".  I've got a decent job.  I could do with a ride, but apart from that things are good.  Technically I shouldn't feel shite in the slightest, I've no reason to.  Which then brings it round to the fact that maybe I am ill.  Maybe I do have some chemical imbalance.  Maybe the couple of years of binge drinking, shite food and little/no exercise has had some effect on my body's ability to make...erm... fuck knows, things that make you happy. 

There's part of me that kinda feels like I *want* to be ill.  I want the drama.  I want to shock people, tell them I've got Depression, Bi-Polar, Fucked-Up in some way.  Some people see it as a negative thing.  I don't.  I don't give a fuck.  Label me up, pigeonhole me or some other pishy metaphor that people use for that kind of shite.  Just give me a fuckin reason for the way I am!!!

Life is difficult, I know that.  Other people are worse off than me, I know that too.  But again, I don't give a fuck.  I don't care how difficult it is, or how much worse off someone else is.  All I know is how I feel. Surely there's something morally wrong with feeling better because there is someone worse off than yourself?
"Ahhh fuck, I'm feeling fucking shite.  I'm too much of a shitebag to top myself, so I'll just cut myself....what's that you say?  Wee Jimmy has just lost his legs in an accident?  And he's got cancer of the eyes?!!  Fuck...that's magic news that is, I was near making a slice in my own flesh to try and relieve the almost blinding feelings of sorrow and frustrations whilst I tried to catch one of the 4 million thoughts that were racing through my mind to see if I could make sense of at least one of them.  Now you've said that though...Fuckit.  Fancy a pint?"

Bollox....

So please... If you're reading this... how the fuck did you make it this far without searching for the "X Close" button?  But if you managed that, next time someone tells you they're down/depressed/unhappy.  Please Please Please don't tell them about some other poor cunt with no eyes to try and cheer them up.