I'm having to write this at 23:31 tonight, can you believe I was actually enthralled in my work so much that I didn't have time to do it in the office? Fuckin' unreal. I did good today. Contributed, and I feel good about it. Tomorrow will be the first day in ages that I'm going in and I don't have the previous days shit chasing me.
I've had this funny head again yesterday and today, not sure if drinking and smoking has brought it back as bad as before, or maybe it is because of wearing my contact lens again, as I've been wearing it quite a lot. I think I'll go back to the glasses for a bit.
Played football tonight, I was fuckin shite in all honesty. We drew 3-3, so my undefeated record still stands, but we really should have won. I knew myself that I wasn't right. Felt really lethargic and just not in the right frame of mind to play. And it showed. Fuckit, I'll just need to make sure I'm better next week.
Playing football always makes me think about my life in general. Why do I always have to be "involved" in everything? Why do I always need to try and take on everyone's battles? I feel like I take on everyone's fight, from the battle of the Palestinians to the battle of my team mates on the pitch. I think I can make everything better for everyone. When there's something wrong with my family or friends, I feel like I take it personally, and it gets to me that I can't make it better for them. It eats away at me that they're having a hard time, and for whatever reason, I can't make it better.
I understand that it's normal really, most people *want* to help where they can. But why do I take it so personally? We do I take it all on board then feel fuckin' shite because I can't shift it? Maybe it's about wanting to be liked... Wanting to show that you care so that people think positively about you. Fuck knows... Why does it matter?
I feel not too bad tonight actually, better than last night for sure. I think it's probably because I can relax and go to sleep, knowing that I'm not gonna get my baws kicked for another let down at work. Incidentally, there is never any "baw kicking" for me at work, but I took the whole "redistribution" situation personally and that's as much as a baw kicking as I think I could stand. I'd rather someone just shouted at me and told me I was a useless cunt than make me have that feeling of utter disappointment and pity for a once "no' bad" worker. I know if I hadn't performed well in the first couple of years here then my tea would well and truly have been oot!
Anyway...I'm fucked, so I'll leave it there...
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