Things are good... Or, they should be good. On paper everything is great. Work is going well, I had my song played on the radio on Sunday night, which brought subsequent requests from fans/nutters wanting more music. Incidentally if you want a listen you can do so here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p004glcd/The_Session_27_09_2009/ Skip to around 45 minutes for when my part of the show starts.
Everything is going well, everything is great. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so shite?
Is it because I had to tell the girl that the song was going to be on the radio, and got a reaction that I didn't really expect? Not that I'm sure I know what reaction I expected. I didn't *really* expect some kind of Dawson's Creek (why do I always use Dawson's Creek as an example of bullshit drama?).... anyway, I wasn't expecting her to come rushing to me declaring her undying love all of a sudden. But maybe I expected a little... gratitude? Maybe she could be the tiniest bit flattered... Instead she just made me feel like I was a cunt. It's hardly as though I fuckin wrote she was a complete cow, or I slated her in any way. Fuckit... Whatever... I'm done with that whole business, her hearing the song is the end now. I can let it all go. She's tried to speak to me the last couple of days, but I've just batted her off, without being nasty. And today I haven't heard from her, so I guess she's taken the hint now.
I'm pretty sure though that she's not the reason I'm feeling like this, because it's not as though anything has really changed.
I want to feel like I did on Sunday night. That high, that fear, the excitement. I'd told everyone I knew that it was happening, then all of a sudden it hit me that the song might get fuckin slated, they'd say it was shit, middle of the road fuckin garbage. How the fuck could I deal with that? I would fuckin hate all the people coming up saying "ahhh don't listen to them, what do they know" etc...
But I fuckin loved it, I was almost in tears when the presenter said.. here's "John Condron... You've Got Me"... fuckin hell, it was amazing. But it doesn't last long enough, or at least when it's all gone I'm down in the depths of hell once more, trying to claw my way out. Why can't I just come down to a normal level and think... "cool, that was great... let's make that happen again" and just kick on from there?
Fuckit... fuck knows... Anyway, on Monday I could feel the "ache" inside me all day. I just kept my head down, didn't say much to anyone and after work decided to walk home. It's around 4.5 miles and took me around an hour and 10 mins. I thought that would help clear my head, listened to a Spike Milligan audiobook. Audiobooks are great, you can just get lost in the story, there's no memories associated with it like there is with music. There's not the same emotion involved as there as with music. So you can just wander along, no need to think. Just wander.
But it didn't really work.
I done some cutting business that night. I lay in bed in tears, just crying for no real reason, so I just done it. Fuck it. They weren't very good ones in all honesty, no proper "tools" around the house now for such activities, so it's not as straightforward as it once was.
I feel not too bad now, I didn't go to work yesterday. I cited the shits as the problem, which wasn't a huge lie. But I just couldn't face anyone, I couldn't deal with seeing anyone or speaking to anyone.
I just really don't want to feel like this anymore...
Fuckit... Moany cunt.
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