It's really difficult to guage how you're feeling on a daily basis. Do we really think about how we're feeling *that* often? I'm forcing myself to think about how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it and sometimes I'm finding it really tough. Sometimes people just *don't* feel anything, I don't think that's wrong. They just go about their daily business without having to over analysing how they're feeling. I've always just got to "figure things out" why are things like this or like that? Why can't I just fuckin accept it?...Hmm....fuck knows...
I finding it hard to type stuff too, the times I want to type most are when I'm particularly low, but my mood seems to be changing on an almost hourly basis right now. Again, I've been laying off the booze, so I'd hope that long term that is the key to feeling better about things.
The morning downer is really getting to me now though, waking up feeling fuckin' horrible every single day of your existence, a wee peak mid afternoon, an evening chuckle perhaps, knock one out and go to sleep. Hardly the life of fuckin' Reilly you'll appreciate. Fuckit...
Been thinking about other things to do now, I think I'm pretty much in control of drinking, but it's all a waste of time of I'm just gonna not drink, and sit on my fuckin' arse doing nothing or simply driving about in my car. Was speaking to a friend last night about Karate, we both used to do it when we were younger and I'm starting to think it wouldn't be such a bad idea. 2 nights a week of that, 2 nights a week of five a sides. Eating healthier. I reckon before I knew it I'd be happy as larry. (This Larry cunt, always fuckin happy....in fact, I wonder if he's Larry Reilly?) So, that's the plan. Probably starting properly next week when I move into my new place, that way I'll be a bit more settled.
I need to sort out some glasses when I get paid too, I'm pretty convinced that my contact lens is causing me headaches on a regular basis, I got a letter from the hospital the other week though confirming I didn't have a brain tumour, so I guess that cheered me up a wee bit.
I've started trying to write this in different stages, to see if I can try and not be so depressing about the whole thing, but it would appear that my writing ability kicks in during my lower moments. I've been listening to a lot of "melancholic" music. Contrary to what people say, it doesn't make me want to kill myself, or make me feel bad at all. I enjoy how it makes me feel, I love pretending that whoever wrote that song that I can relate to felt in some part the same way that I feel. I understand that is bullshit, the chances of them feeling the same as I do while they were writing their song are pretty fuckin' slim to say the least. But I feel like I try and make things "fit", no matter how tenuous the link, I can usually manufacture an angle into the meaning of the song so that it has some relevance to me. Pretty pathetic I know, but it's working out for me as it goes. So fuck ye.
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