Today was probably the most difficult appointment I've had with "the woman". I told her about the abortion and all that business. It was fuckin' tough. She's trying to get me to talk about positive things about myself. I don't think that's necessary though, I know the good things about me. I still think I'm a cunt though. And I think some of the good things about me are probably what makes me think I'm a cunt. I'm able to recognise when I'm doing things cos I'm a good person, and when I'm doing things that will benefit me indirectly.
She was also talking about how I force my views on to other people. That's not really what it is, but I get what she means. I assume that because I think that everything is fucking shite that everyone else should, and if they don't they're a fuckin' idiot. I explained that forcing my views on abortion now on a friend of mine caused a big fuckin' fight. I just assume that everyone will feel the same way I feel about things, and I didn't want him to feel the horrible, hatred within himself for something that can never be changed. Forever and ever you live with that feeling. That feeling which means you can't look at a kid without thinking that you had one, and you chose to "get rid". That feeling that haunts you when you think about having kids in the future, why is this one ok, but that one wasn't? That horrible feeling that Karma is waiting round the corner to get you, punish you or someone close to you because you thought that "getting rid" was "the easy way out".
Fuckit... I guess it's different for everyone. I met a girl the other week who quite openly spoke about abortions and it transpired she'd had 4. I fuckin' hated her for it. She fuckin' disgusted me. But is she wrong? Am I right to judge her on how she lives her life?
Fuckit....yea.... she is fuckin wrong. She's a horrible fuckin' cunt. An innocent wee fuckin' baby... gone. Because "it's not the right time". It's never the right fuckin' time... Everyone could make things better. Bigger house, more money, bigger car... Something could be better. I really got that view from another associate. He's not really a mate, although I do sometimes think we should be better friends. He's a good cunt really. He has one wee girl. And he was the first person I'd ever heard saying there's never a right time, so you just deal with what comes.
I like the fact that the woman has never asked to see my cuts. That's cool as fuck. She just asked if they were bad... They're not really, just scratches really. I did one yesterday that was a bit shit, so I did another one. That was a bit better. They're hurting a wee bit today though. She was asking what I was thinking, what I was feeling. It was hard to describe. I was lying in bed thinking I couldn't face going in to work. Having to converse with people and generally be around them. But neither could I face the drama of having to tell someone at work that I wasn't coming in. So I decided that if I could do something, have something to focus on. Then I could trick myself into getting ready, and out the door... into the car. Then I'm "locked in" I can't do anything but go to work, then once I'm there I can't do anything but stay.
Anyway, after the appointment I sat in the car for a while bawling my eyes out like a fuckin' kid which has become part of the routine. It's so fuckin hard just sitting opening yourself up to that, then having to just get back to normal to get back to work. Do I feel better about being there? Fuck knows... But I'll keep going for now. I know I need to do something. I'm not gonna do "meds" I don't think. Not just yet. I promise if I feel proper suicidal, not "cry for help" suicidal.... Then I'll consider meds. But I want to keep boozing... so...what ye gonna do...
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