First of all to my family and friends that are going to read this. I'm sorry in advance. I cut myself again today. I know I said I wouldn't, but fuckit... I did. I needed *something* to make me get out of bed and out of the house, and I didn't know where else to turn. I don't feel good about it, in fact like I always I just feel daft. But I needed something. I was arguing with someone about it. People would be less concerned if I told them I woke up and had a couple of beers to square me up. Or downed half a bottle of whiskey. That would be more socially acceptable. It's the same thing, doing something that harms you for the short term gain you'll get from it. But people get all fuckin' precious about it. Like I'm one step away from the noose. They wouldn't think that I was one step away from the crack pipe if I had a few beers this morning.
I can't say that I feel any better today than I have for the last few days, but at least I made it to work today. That's a bonus I guess. My head isn't so bad today either so again I guess that's progress.
I told my cousin about "this" whole thing... sent him a link to here. He was another of the "I had no idea" crew. I feel bad about that, because I know that people feel bad about having no idea. But that's because I made sure no one had any idea. I'll make sure I control what people know and think about me. I'll control whether people are concerned about me. I'll fuckin' decide...
But right now I couldn't give a fuck what people know or don't know. I'm fuckin' fed up trying to control everything. People can take me like this or they can fuck off. I can't be the other guy any more. I need fuckin' help. And I'm doing everything I can to make things better. That's a fuckin' lie really, boozing and smoking puff is hardly doing "everything I can" to make things better. Fuckit... So fuck.
People keep telling me to go home, back to Glasgow. As though everything will be alright if I have people around me. It's a nice sentiment, but it's a sack of shite. People don't want a fuckin' depressed mentalist around them all the time. They want the other guy. Or they want the mentalist for enough time that they can say what they think they should say to make you feel better, but really it's to relieve themselves of it. To tick the wee boxes: "Did you ask how they were?" check... "Did you say you can speak to them any time?" check... and so on and so forth... Maybe I'm being harsh, but most people know that you aren't really gonna bother them and as long as they've made the offer then they've done their bit. It's not their fault... It's the way everyone is.
I guess the flipside is, what do I want from these people? I don't really want to "talk about it" or have them asking me if I'm ok every 5 minutes or any fucking thing like that. People just do their best I guess... It's not easy when you don't know what to do.
I also think that in reality, there are very few people in my life that *really* listen to what another person has to say. Of course you talk, and they're looking at you... But really they're just waiting until it is their turn to talk again.
I'm not saying that I'm any better, but I'm conscious of the fact and I try and really listen to what people are saying to me. Sometimes you can't help yourself though. What you have to say is far more important than what any other cunt has to say. So hell mend anyone that gets in your fuckin' way.
Humans... Useless Fuckin' Cunts...
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