I dunno what's happening right now. But I feel like I want to cut myself again. I'm not gonna do it I don't think, I'm just angry with myself. For what? Fuck knows... I just feel like, I'm slipping a wee bit just now. I was crying in the car again today, just driving home listening to music and tears streaming down my face.
Fuckit... Just need to try and ride it out I guess. Got a few people coming round for the football tomorrow(well tonight now) so I'm quite looking forward to that. I want people to always come round to my house. I want it to be like the days before mobile phones when people would just unexpectedly show up. The days when you could arrange to meet someone for a pint 1 week in advance, and not need a fuckin' running commentary along the lines of "alright mate, still meeting up on wednesday",aye "alright mate, still meeeting up tomorrow", aye, "alright mate, still meeting up tonight", aye "alright, mate I'll see you at 7, still ok?" aye, "alright mate, I'm half an hour away", ok, "alright mate, be there in 5 mins". JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST JUST TELL ME ONCE YOU'LL BE THERE, THEN FUCKIN SHOW UP!!!
Anyway, I digress... I want people to like coming here, I want people to want to come round for a chat or some food or a beer or a smoke or whatever the fuck they want to come round for. So there should be around 5 or 6 people coming round. Just fkn hope we can get a win. Although, I do feel like I'm far more disconnected from football than I was before. Time was I would go everywhere, home and away to go to the games. I still care about winning, but I've definitely mellowed from the whole thing. I guess 3 years out of the "melting pot of sectarian *bile*" will do that to you. But I'd *fuckin love it* if we won tomorrow... fuckin *LOVE IT*.
I wonder what people think when they read this. I get around 20-30 regular readers these days. I wonder if they think I have something to say, or they just think, "fuckin hell, at least I'm not this cunt". It's strange though, because I would reckon that there aren't many people as "happy" as me... on paper at least. Earning good money in the industry you always wanted to work in. Made the leap away from Glasgow. Lots of good friends. Got a lot going for me really... And yet here I am, languishing in the depths of hell over what really should be irrelevant things. That's what makes me hate myself even more, the fact that I *know* I don't have it bad. Yet, in my head I have this "woe is me", "my life is like...so shit...an' stuff" fuckin melodramatic, pointless, childish, teen-fuckin-angst that I should have grown out of by now surely!? But, alas... here we fuckin are... going over and over the same old shite.
Fuckin useless cunt.
Be the first to rate this post
- Currently 0/5 Stars.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5