Played my first league game of 5's last night. Was a good night actually, played not too bad, although should have done better with one of the goals I lost. Not too disheartened though, I know the more I play, the less I drink, the fitter I'll get and the better I'll be.
I felt a bit better going to bed last night after playing, and also a bit better than usual when I woke up this morning. This fuckin' head is still there, but it's not as bad as it has been. Although yesterday it got progressively worse as the day went on. Definitely, looking at a computer screen does it no favours.
But yea, I don't feel the black cloud over me is as bad as it was yesterday. Maybe it's more of a dark grey than black today. Still a bit nervous about seeing this woman tomorrow, dunno why. Probably just the thought of having to spill my guts to yet another stranger in the hope that they can help me out. This will be Health Official number 4 who I will have to explain that I'm a fuckin' loonball. The Doctor before, who then sent me to the CPN. Then the doctor this time, now this woman. I don't even know what she is? Counseller of some description I guess. In all honesty, I don't give a fuck what her credentials are, as long as she makes me better.
Decided after deliberation with a friend that substituting drink with puff for this work thing on Friday is folly. I guess I always knew it wouldn't be the best thing to do in my state of mind, I just don't know if I can go to this thing and not drink. But that's exactly what I need to do. I've got fucked up so many times at these things that it'll be expected of me to get pissed as fuck. So I need to go and not do that, and be seen to be not getting out my face. Be seen to be drinking water/orange juice/coke, by everyone who thinks I'm just a fuckin' pisshead.
I'm not really missing boozing at all right now, I genuinely feel that I'm finished with it. I just really don't *want* to drink. But then, I don't want to become more and more insular, build a wall around myself and end up like some kind of fuckin' recluse. I want to be out, around people, doing things, having a laugh. Not fuckin' locking myself away in my bedroom by my own, playing guitar and wanking myself silly to internet porn.
Fuck that... That's no' fuckin' life.
But how do you get a happy medium? How do you get to a point where you can function in any environment and be happy and comfortable doing it? For years I've thought that 4-5 pints in to an evening is my optimum performance level. I think that I function better in that state than in any other. Genuinely believed I was a "better person" when I was drunk. I understand that it's likely a sack of shit, but that's how I've always felt. So to now feel that I need to try and be that person without boozing is almost scary.
I was talking to another friend about needing to increase our respective social circles. We concluded that we had to befriend a girl. Not for shagging, but for opening the door to other girls. Meaning no offence to any friends who may or may not read this. But my social circle right now is pretty fuckin' small. I have one friend I live with, and one friend I drink with. And that's pretty much it. Of course there are guys at work that I'm "friendly" with, but don't socialise with them at all.
Fuckin' hell. How can I live for 26 years, no...in fact... How can I live in England for almost 3 years and my only socialising is done with 1 guy I brought down from Glasgow a few weeks ago and another guy that I met down here, also from Glasgow? Fuck, what does that say about me?
Fuckit... I guess half the battle is identifying what is wrong. Then trying to fix it.
So here's to trying to fix it...
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