As it goes, I feel fuckin' absolute shite. Just huge fuckin' hatred for myself. I'm trying to be cool about it all, but my mind feels like it's just a fuckin mess. I'm getting the whole "I just wanna go to bed and hide" way about me just now. But I'm not gonna do that. I can't let that happen. I got a call from the boy today saying we have a gig tonight in a pub in Oxford. If this had happened yesterday or probably more likely Tuesday then I woulda been right fuckin up for it. But as it stands, I can think of nothing worse than standing in front of a bunch of the Beautiful People that frequent bars in Oxford, having them just talk about what a fuckin fat, useless, horrible cunt stands before them polluting their ears with his shitey guitar playing.
Fuckit... I need to do it though, I need to force myself out the fuckin door into the car and get myself there. Force myself to play, I know once I start I'll realise initially it's not so bad. And then I'll start to realise that it's actually fuckin good. And by the end of the night my head will be buzzing, racing around like it's on an adrenaline fuelled motorbike flying at 100 miles an hour.
The girl went on holiday today, she's off to New York. We spoke for a bit last night, again to me it seemed like she wouldn't be having this kind of goodbye with everyone. But fuckit, that's probably bullshit.
Fuckin fuckit... why do I let myself get so into this? Maybe there's something wrong with me and I just fall for girls who have boyfriends, because then that's the reason they can't be with me. Because they're already with someone, and not because I'm a fuckin fat, useless, ugly cunt.
My head is fuckin bursting today, just feels fuckin horrible.
Fuck knows...
Fuckit... I'll be fine when I'm better.
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