I've been having pretty dramatic moodswings the last few days, and I've found it difficult to write anything. It's fucked up. Sometimes I've felt fucking great... laughed like fuck at wee daft things, just felt really fuckin' good. And then all of a sudden I get hit by a fuckin' shovel and it's like, fuck...I dunno... like I've "caught myself" being happy!? And then I feel fuckin' shite again. What the fuck is that all about?! Surely I should be cool with feeling happy? I should be "happy" that I'm fuckin happy for a change?
But now... This fucked up head decides. And it's decided that I *will* not be happy... And any attempt to do so will be dealt with *most* severely!
I was supposed to do some work over the weekend to make sure I can have a couple of days off in November, I haven't done it all. But I reckon that I have/will have done enough to blag my way to the days off. Or I could just do what I should do and stop writing this meaningless shite and get it done. Fuck knows... I'm feeling not bad right now, that's why I thought I should write something down. Try and write when I'm not whining like a fuckin' moany cunt. I'm consciously trying to not write when I feel shite. I want it to be normal for me to feel ok. Does that even make sense? Fuck knows... Who cares.
I've also been recording a few of the tracks that I've written. I know, I should have been working....blah blah... Anyway, yea. I say recording, but all I've been doing is recording onto my iPhone to make sure that I have some record of my ideas. Some of them are ok, most are shite... One I think is particularly ok. I sent it to a friend of mine and he responded quite positively about it. But how reliable that is I'm not sure. How many people will tell their friends that this "thing" they have created is fuckin' garbage? Would you tell your mate that their kid is *fuckin* ugly. Hmm...No.. I doubt it. But fuckit... I don't care if my song is an ugly kid... I think it's beautiful.
I quite liked myself yesterday, I got a haircut and stuff, got some website work from the hairdresser and generally felt good. Went for a few pints, and really though about heading into Oxford with a couple of guys from work. I didn't *really* want to kick around with them all day/night so I tried to talk another mate into meeting up too. I wanted to surround myself with as many people as possible. I think that is something I need to do. I like being around people, sometimes being in the limelight of that group but always able to disappear into the crowd any time I want. I know people who don't like being in big groups, and I've always found it strange I think... Maybe not always, but definitely now. I definitely wouldn't want to be someone who couldn't deal with groups of people. As much as I think "people" are cunts... I think I need them.
I was looking for some stuff on Spike Milligan and searched on google. I came across this blog http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/ It's by an Irish girl living in London. It's really fuckin' good. She's got a superb "way" about her, the way she articulates herself it's fuckin' great. Obviously she's a manic depressive, and the other day she took an overdose. It was quite unnerving to read what she had written, coming across it a couple of hours after she'd posted an entry explaining what she's just taken. Thankfully she's doing ok today. I sent her a wee message just telling her to take it easy... Fuckin great advice eh? Useless cunt that I am... Anyway... I'll definitely be checking back and will be checking out the archives too.
I guess I should get back to work... But the snooker is on, so...who knows... I may need to call on all my "blagging" reserves tomorrow...
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