I haven't written for over a week now, I've been feeling fucking shite. This fuckin funny head has got even worse to the extent that I had to take some time off work last week.
I'm still not sure if I feel so fuckin' low because of my head, or my head is a result of my current state of mind. Ahh fuck knows. I don't think I've ever felt this fuckin' low. I feel like I just want to chuck everything in and fuck off. I feel like I'm drifting away from everyone. That no-one is interested or cares or gives a fuck. And why should they? Fuck knows... Even my family, I haven't spoken to my cousin for ages. I don't speak to my Dad as much as I used to. Fuck knows... I apologise for this self indulgent bullshit. But fuckit...who gives a fuck.
I've just been disappearing to my room most evenings, watching a bit of TV, listening to music, playing guitar and pretending I'm a fucking rock star and that playing guitar could be a gateway to a piece of ass. As tough some fuckin' burd will stroll by my window, hear me playing and wet her pants so much she'll not be able to control herself as she scales the wall to my bedroom and demands I ravage her.
Why can't I just go to the fuckin' boozer and pick up some local burd? Fuckit... I'm fuckin' shite at it.
Obviously with being off work, my stock has plummeted. And with missing my timesheet submission for the 450,987th time, I have been "invited" to a meeting with the MD and his right hand man, who incidentally already thinks I'm a cunt. So... Yea... I don't think it's for tea and biscuits and a chat about how to improve company growth in these tough economic times. Well, I guess firing my ass would be a step in the right direction.
Playing 5-a-sides tonight and tomorrow, this is the new regime. 5's twice a week, no boozing (I've not been pished for over a week!) with the ultimate goal to get involved with some local team for a game. Maybe... Who knows...
Chances are I'll fuck it up after a couple of weeks. It's the work "Staff Day" this week, a night in a swanky hotel, some food, free bar and paintballing in the morning. How *the fuck* do I deal with that without getting fuckin out my face?! I can think of very few things worse than spending time with people who I'm ultimately paid to be with, in my free time. I might just get some puff and getting fucking baked while I'm there, take my guitar and have a laugh.
Anyway, I guess I should also mention that I'm seeing my new, I dunno... Doctor/Counsellor/Shrink....fuck knows... anyway, I'm seeing her on Wednesday at 15:30 and I'm pretty nervous about it. Fuck knows why, maybe I'd be better just spending the dosh on a fuckin' hooker and tell her my problems while she blows me off.
Fuck knows...
Fuckit...
Cunts.
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