Day 5 of being on the Wagon.  Do I feel any better?  Not particularly.  Thinking of going and getting pished tonight, will see what happens.   Realised that I've left my replacement blades for my scalpel in Glasgow today.  Which is a mini disaster, especially if my mama finds them and I have to come up with some explanation to her about them that my da' will know is a sack of shit.  Which in turn will make him worry about me, but not say anything about it.  But when we speak I'll know that he knows and he'll know that I know he know's.  Let's just hope the remain undetected for everyone's sake.

Work is going not to bad though, I've been doing a fair amount of work.  More than I have done in recent weeks.  I think I said the other day that I need to try and improve my stock in the company, so I've been volunteering to do work that will make money but no one else really wants to do.  And taking on shit work that people have started and fucked up.  Let's hope it's enough to salvage the situation.

I've begun thinking that I'm really not in the right frame of mind to be living with someone.  I don't really want to talk to him, or be around him.  Not *him* in particular, just people.  I want to disappear most of the time.  Be on my own.  Do my own thing.  I know that's not a good thing, and maybe long term it's good that he's there to keep me right.  Keep me sociable, and I reckon that if I *was* on my own I would be in a much worse position.  I'd likely be doing more cutting, and just generally wallowing more.  I guess it's good that I can rationalise these things out in my head.

Was talking to a friend of mine about this whole cutting business.  He was warning me about the possibility of getting infected then ending up with some shitey disease from it.  I'm not really one for those kind of scarey stories, but it does cross my mind after the event.  So I've started keeping savlon and savlon wipes with me to make sure I'm as hygenic as possible.  What more can I do?  I'm not sure if giving the blade a wipe with a Savlon wipe is neccessarily the *most* hygenic thing to do.  But I guess it's a good start.

Fuckin' hell, who'd want some obscure shitty disease because they fancied tanning their arms?  Fuck sake...that would be shite. 

I've decided that I don't think I have Bi-Polar.  Either that or I'm just in a *huge* bout of depression.  I feel like I haven't felt good for fuckin ages.  I'm not sure if I've spoken about my uncle before.  He killed himself when I was around 10.  He was my favourite uncle.  A fuckin great guy.  Always the funny guy, he was 34 when he done it.  His note said he'd been feeling that way for around 7/8 years before he done it.  It's quite worrying for me actually.  I feel like I'm the funny guy, so I imagine that he went home and cried to himself too.  I'm around the age he was when it started.  I wish I could talk to him, see if he felt the same way I'm feeling just now.  The first thing is, I don't want to kill myself.  But secondly, I *really* don't want to feel like this for 7 fuckin years.  Fuck.  No Fuckin Chance.  Some people say that suicide is the "easy way out".  Fuck that.  You try it then!?  Fuck me... You need balls for that.  Too fuckin' right. 

Fuckit... I dunno why I'm talking about that.  I aint gonna do it just yet.  But I'm not sure I could stick this for another 7 years.  Who know's what'll happen between now and then though.

Maybe I'll be better soon.