So here I am, back.  It's been a while, I wasn't sure whether I should make a post or not.  But I do feel like writing something down.  Had a party at my house on Friday night, I was blitzed would you believe.  There wasn't as many folk as I had hoped would turn up, but it was ok.  And everyone seemed to have a good time.  I don't want anyone to think "shit, I'm not going to his for a party - they're always fuckin shite!"  I hope they didn't think that anyway.  Then I went out on Saturday too, which was a mistake.  Not that I didn't have a good time, just that I spent more money than I should have, and I felt shite on Sunday and even worse today.  Once again there's not any need for deep analysis, I drink too much.  I eat shit food.  I feel shit for days.  Ergo... if I don't drink, I won't eat shit food, and I won't feel shit for days.

I was feeling like doing some cutting business last night, I never in the end - More to do with the fact that my "equipment" is out in the garage, rather than anything else.  I managed to just watch mind-numbing TV and try to just completely switch off from reality for a bit.

I read this article http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/12/charlie-brooker-relationships from Charlie Brooker.  And it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about the whole relationship business.  I miss having a cuddle for sure, I miss female company and conversation.  In saying that though, I've become quite friendly with a couple of girls from work, and did end up having a cuddle with one on Friday night.  I'm easy that way, and willing to share my bed with anyone without automatically trying to fuck them.

It's good having a bit of chat with a girl, no question about that.  But similarly, I feel myself thinking that either A) I don't wanna fuck them or B) I want to fuck them but I don't want a relationship with them.  Whereas before I've always felt like, A) I wanna fuck any of them or B) when I fuck them I'll just try my best to hold onto them and marry them to make sure I have something rather than nothing.

The Charlie Brooker article also hits a pretty close nerve. "2) Find someone you admire or like, rather than love, and try to make do, rendering both of you miserable in the process." 

I think that's pretty much what I done with the latest ex, I did like and admire her a lot.  Did I love her? I dunno... I can't say for sure that I did.  Lying in bed with her cuddling into you and thinking of being with someone else?  How the fuck can that be "love".  I'm beginning to come back to the opinion that "love" isn't a real thing.  Just something that "civilised society" has created and said is the way things should be.  And when it all goes wrong, and "it kicks a hole in your ribcage and voids its bowels in your soul."  That feeling is more to do with the fact that something that was yours is now either someone elses, or pretty soon will be someone elses.  In time you'll learn to live with that fact, but isn't that about possession than anything else? 

Fuck knows...  I don't even know myself what I'm trying to say.  I'm beginning to feel like I'll never, ever be in a happy relationship.  Because I expect too much from a potential wife.  Either in terms of how pretty they are, or how I expect them to just "be".  I definitely try and "punch above my weight" in terms of good looking girls.  I could easily compromise looks for personality.  No question.  But I've been speaking to more and more friends who are saying that their wives/girlfriends just don't "do it" for them anymore.  They have sex out of duty now.  Fuck that.  They're 26 years old, potentially going to be with this person for another 50 fuckin years!  And already they're saying they have shit sex.  So they cheat and fuck around behind their "loved" ones back and I then find out that the wife of one of said friends is also fucking around.  Is that what love is then?  One big house of fuckin' cards, waiting for the time when you're wife finds something she wants more than you, or you find that you don't want her anymore.  And out of duty, you either stay miserable or fuck around. 

True love right enough.

Bollocks to it all.