So, today's the day. I meet the....whatever she is, today. I'm fuckin frightened. Not because I have to go through the whole thing, but more, what if it doesn't work? What the fuck do I do then? I just keep going? Trying to find Dr. Melfi or Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting... That's the plan? Fuckin' hell... if so then I'm fucked. Totally fuckin' fucked.
Had to talk to someone last night so went and had 3 bottles of beer with a friend. I guess the goodness I got from playing football earlier in the evening was outdone by that act. Fuckit... I wanted a drink, no... I *needed* a drink. I can feel myself fuckin' slipping deeper and deeper into this. I don't get happy feelings at all anymore. I don't feel like I'm "flying" ever anymore. My days feel as though they are done through treacle... It's fuckin' hard to do anything. That's why I'm consciously trying to *do* things. Anything at all. Football is a good one, competitive, social as well as the physical and mental benefits that exercise brings. But I know I need to do more, otherwise everything will just cave in on top of me.
I'm fuckin' trying...
I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of an ex from Glasgow. I fuckin loved her. And I fucked it up. And that's what's fucked me up. The fact I fucked it up, and then ran away from everything. Got fucked up for 6 months, got 20-30k of debt from those 6 months. Didn't deal with anything, buried my head in the sand then fucked off. My friend is going through some hard times with his girl. So I sent him this message yesterday...
"This is a fuckin shite. A complete sack of shit. What the fuck am I doing with my life?! I want my old life back. I want my old life in Glasgow, I want another shot of the last 6 years. I won’t fuck things up again. I made a fuckin’ arse of it with XXXX and I don’t give a fuck what anyone thought of her, I thought she was fuckin’ amazing. I want that time back again. If I was you, I’d do everything I could to try and salvage things. Otherwise you’ll be sitting in some other shitty job 5 years on with the same fuckin’ regrets you’ll harbour for those 5 years. You’ll hate yourself, you’ll drink too much and you’ll wish every day that you can have another fuckin’ run at it. Just one more chance, hit reset, an extra life. Fuckin something.
And the fact that you can’t get another go, the fact that she’ll be married to/marrying some fuckin’ copper or fisherman or someone who is fuckin perfect for her and her life will fuckin cut you up far more than any fuckin scalpel bought on the internet.
Just fuckin do it. Do something. Stand up on your desk and shout “Fuck You Cunts....I’m off to Norway”. Fuck the reference, they’re not allowed to give a bad reference anyway. And references are only checked out after you’ve had an interview and proved yourself anyway.
Fuckit... Do something... Don’t end up sitting at your desk almost crying over some fuckin thing you have no control over that happened almost 4 fuckin years ago and listening to music knowing that it’s going to make you feel shite and sick and even more full of regret but unable to stop it.
Fuckin....
Fuckit..."
It's weird reading that back, I don't really remember writing a lot of it. Well, of course I remember writing it, but I don't remember thinking about what I was writing. I just let me fingers run away as I tried to stop myself from bursting into tears in front of my colleagues.
It's fuckin' bizarre, I've just broken up from a 3 year relationship, and I'm still more cut up from the 2 and a half year relationship previous to that. I guess that shows without question that breaking up, although fuckin tough, was the best thing to do.
Although, look at me now... What the fuck have a I got now? I ran away 3 years ago, and I've not progressed at all. I've got fuck all.
Fuckin hell...
Fuckit...
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