Not really sure how I'm feeling today. The pain is back in my leg, not horrendous today (although I have been popping pills, I forgot how fucking good they were). But it's coming back for sure. Played at the open mic the other night. The mental guy that comes along - he is proper fuckin mental, with lines such as "I've got bats in my semen, and I see them, everytime I make love"... Fuckin bonkers... anyway, he took some pictures that he posted on his facebook. Fuckin hell man, I hate myself. I was scared to look at them, but really wasn't surprised at what a fuckin hideous cunt I am. It's all to do with the weight though. When I look in the mirror, and I see my "headshot", I don't think I'm *that* bad... but fuckin hell, the full picture just show's what a fat cunt I am.
But as always, this can be fixed, sorted. There's no big secret, I don't have a thyroid problem, I'm not big-boned. I'm just a fat cunt that doesn't exercise enough, drinks too much beer and eats too much shit food. Ergo... If I don't eat shit food, don't drink so much and exercise more then I'll lose weight.
And *this* is the reason I hate myself, not simply because I'm a fat cunt, but because I can "fix" that, but never do. I'm weak and lazy. Fuckit, get a beer... get a pizza, get a takeaway. It's not as though I don't like cooking, or I don't like healthy food. A lot of the time it's more a case of I just can't be fuckin arsed. And then the over-indulgence on one day turns to "what's the fuckin point?" on the next... And so it goes on and on and on...
How do I do it? I don't fuckin know... I just say the words, and don't do fuck all. I think about going out on the punchbag for a bit, but I'll make myself a bacon sandwich while I think about it. What the fuck is that about?
Ahh fuckit...
But as I said at the start, I'm really not too sure exactly how I'm feeling. From seeing the picture, and boozing over the weekend I *should* be feeling shite, pretty regular "depths of hell" business. But I don't. I feel ok-ish... oh fuck, I just thought. Maybe it's these pills? Like I said earlier, I'd forgotten how fuckin good they are. I spent much of yesterday pretty mashed out my face. I guess that must be it. Problem solved. Just call me Columbo. Although, now I've figured that out I feel a bit shit, there was a wee part of me was thinking maybe I was just gonna be normal, like normal people who can go out for a beer at the weekend and not spending the rest of the week wanting to just disappear into oblivion.
That's a bit of a cunt... Fuckit...
Anyway, in other news. A girl at the open mic the other night asked me to play "You've Got Me". That made me feel pretty fuckin good. Some wee girl, that I don't know at all asks me to play one of my songs. I felt like a proper musician then. It's fair enough getting asked to play a cover, but getting asked to play your own song. It felt really fuckin good.
We'll see what happens... Tonight I'm planning to try and go for a 4 mile walk. We'll see how that works out.
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