Not really sure how I'm feeling today.  The pain is back in my leg, not horrendous today (although I have been popping pills, I forgot how fucking good they were).  But it's coming back for sure.  Played at the open mic the other night.  The mental guy that comes along - he is proper fuckin mental, with lines such as "I've got bats in my semen, and I see them, everytime I make love"... Fuckin bonkers... anyway, he took some pictures that he posted on his facebook.  Fuckin hell man, I hate myself.  I was scared to look at them, but really wasn't surprised at what a fuckin hideous cunt I am.  It's all to do with the weight though.  When I look in the mirror, and I see my "headshot", I don't think I'm *that* bad... but fuckin hell, the full picture just show's what a fat cunt I am.

But as always, this can be fixed, sorted.  There's no big secret, I don't have a thyroid problem, I'm not big-boned.  I'm just a fat cunt that doesn't exercise enough, drinks too much beer and eats too much shit food.  Ergo... If I don't eat shit food, don't drink so much and exercise more then I'll lose weight. 

And *this* is the reason I hate myself, not simply because I'm a fat cunt, but because I can "fix" that, but never do.  I'm weak and lazy.  Fuckit, get a beer... get a pizza, get a takeaway.  It's not as though I don't like cooking, or I don't like healthy food.  A lot of the time it's more a case of I just can't be fuckin arsed.  And then the over-indulgence on one day turns to "what's the fuckin point?" on the next... And so it goes on and on and on...

How do I do it?  I don't fuckin know... I just say the words, and don't do fuck all.  I think about going out on the punchbag for a bit, but I'll make myself a bacon sandwich while I think about it.  What the fuck is that about?

Ahh fuckit...

But as I said at the start, I'm really not too sure exactly how I'm feeling.  From seeing the picture, and boozing over the weekend I *should* be feeling shite, pretty regular "depths of hell" business.  But I don't. I feel ok-ish... oh fuck, I just thought.  Maybe it's these pills?  Like I said earlier, I'd forgotten how fuckin good they are.  I spent much of yesterday pretty mashed out my face.  I guess that must be it.  Problem solved.  Just call me Columbo.  Although, now I've figured that out I feel a bit shit, there was a wee part of me was thinking maybe I was just gonna be normal, like normal people who can go out for a beer at the weekend and not spending the rest of the week wanting to just disappear into oblivion.

That's a bit of a cunt... Fuckit...

Anyway, in other news.  A girl at the open mic the other night asked me to play "You've Got Me".  That made me feel pretty fuckin good.  Some wee girl, that I don't know at all asks me to play one of my songs.  I felt like a proper musician then.  It's fair enough getting asked to play a cover, but getting asked to play your own song.  It felt really fuckin good.

We'll see what happens... Tonight I'm planning to try and go for a 4 mile walk.  We'll see how that works out.