Inevitably I went and got pissed last night. It was pretty good in all honesty, apart from calling friends and boring them to tears with my woes. Before I got pissed though, I phoned a friend of mine to see if he can get me a job. He didn't reckon it would be much of a problem. Job would be based in Buenos Aires. But he made it quite clear "Argentina... It's not the place to come for money man"  

Fuckit, I've had enough of chasing loads of money. Whatever money I have, I waste, so what's the fuckin point. If I go there, I'd probably have a better standard of living than I have here. I also emailed a mate of mine who is working in Sydney, maybe that would be a better option.  

Ahh fuck knows... it's all a fuckin crackpipe dream really. Isn't it? Is it?

Is it really outrageous to think I could get a job in Australia or Argentina? Other people do it right? And 4 or 5 years ago, who'd have thought that I'd move away from Glasgow? And here I am, moved away for 6 months, 3 and a half years ago.  

Of course I have friends here, a good job that I enjoy, a proper career really. I've got myself into a whole new "scene" with the music stuff. But I hate living where I live.

But this is just another sack of shit that I come up with every now and again. I guess if I read back through these posts I'd read all about my big plans to fuck off somewhere else, and here I am. Still fuckin here.

It's fuckin killing me, living here. It's not in my head anymore, I'm not depressed. I'm not bi-polar. Or any other fuckin label that doctors and psychiatrists and all those cunts fuckin *love* to hand out regularly. I'm just fuckin normal. I'm just a run of the mill guy who is sometimes happy and sometimes not so happy. Maybe I overdo it with the not so happy side of things, but so fuck. What does that matter? I'm a miserable cunt... is that a disease? This is when I always said I should make the decision on what to do. When I wasn't making it based on being depressed or manic or fucked up in some way.

Of course everything I've just written is complete bollocks. Because the only reason I'm talking about this is cos of a fuckin girl. So that's hardly the right circumstance to make a life changing decision is it now? See... I told you I'm not fuckin mental. I'm definitely going to make enquiries, but no rash decisions.  

I know I'll look back on this time and be embarrassed by the ridiculousness (is that a word?) of the whole business. It is fuckin *mental* to behave this way. But the fact is, I can't fuckin help it. I just can't fuckin deal with it, so here we go, this is what I do. Run away from it. Do I wanna be here when she comes in saying she's ditched her boyfriend and has a new one? Or she gets engaged? Or she comes in being delighted she's pregnant? Do I really want to deal with that?

It's almost like a break-up... but only from my side. How fuckin pathetic is that?

Bottom line?... I need to get the fuck away from her.