Fuck knows why I think posting an entry now is a good idea.  I just feel fuckin' pissed off and feel like I want to write something.  Had an appointment with the hospital today about my back/nerve/leg problem.  Apparently the best course of action is to have some cunt stick a needle into my spine and inject me with something that'll make it all better.  Fuckin excellent eh?  A great way to spend an afternoon and no mistake.  I didn't enquire whether said procedure would require me staying in hospital for any length of time.  I guess at worst it'll be overnight, but I'd imagine they'll be happy just to get you back out the fuckin door.  Fuckin' cunts.

I'm at a "what the fuck is wrong with me" or probably more a "what the fuck am I doing with my life" stage again right now.  Just when I think that things are getting a bit better, here I am on a Thursday night thinking that the best course of action is to go and get my paraphernalia from the garage and etch-a-sketching something on my body.  I'm not going to do it.  I'm just fuckin' bored.  Frustrated.  Fucked Off... Fuck knows... I'm just fuckin' fucked.

I think that it could all be down to a fuckin' woman again.  Things have taken a wee turn for the better on that front, but now in my fucked up head I'm just looking for and coming up with excuses as to why it's all a bad fuckin' idea.  Mostly revolving around how if anything were to happen with a girl, that because I'm such an awkward, horrible, miserable cunt.  Difficult to be around sometimes and just generally a cunt, that I'd end up ruining some poor girls life. 

I've become friends with a few girls recently, and it's nice to have a different kind of chat with them than the chat that you have with guy mates.  It's cool, but it's made me realise that I'm probably a far better friend than boyfriend.  I would do my absolute best to not let my friends down, I can't say I always achieve it, but I try not to.  But at the same time, the expectations are lower.  I mean, if I want to just disappear into myself and not speak to or hear from or see or whatever any of these people then it's cool.  I can do that.  But when it's a relationship, I can't.  And that's what makes me a cunt.  Because there's that poor person that has to deal with me and my fucked up mind and my fucked up ways.  And that's why I'll just end up with shit relationship after shit relationship with some poor cunt that'll put up with me as long as they can and eventually I'll get old and die a lonely, old, bitter, miserable fucker.

Fuckit...

What the fuck can you do.

I hate this fuckin' feeling.  More because I don't know when it'll pass.  I'm supposed to be going out on Saturday with a load of people for a friends birthday.  If I feel like this though there's no fuckin' chance I'm going.  Fuck that.  I've had enough of pretending I'm happy and having a good time when all I really want to do is go home and get fucked into oblivion on my own.  I never do it though... Cos I'm a fuckin' cunt...

Fuckit...

What a whole load of self indulgent fuckin' bullshit. 

May You Never Lay Your Head Down, Without A Hand To Hold... John Martyn - 11 September 1948 – 29 January 2009 - RIP Big Man...