I need to go to London today, half day at the customers today and full day tomorrow. Not feeling to good about it to be honest, confidence is pretty low and I get the feeling that I'm going to get a proper grilling. Fuckit, we'll see how it goes.
Nothing much exciting or new happened in the last 24 hours, I'm getting more and more pissed off with having to write that I'm feeling fuckin' shite. But I can't help it. I don't want to feel like this. Had a dream about the ex last night, about getting back with her. I know it wouldn't make me happy in the long term, but maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I should have been happy with the life I had and not looked for something more. Something better.
Fuck that, I'd have ended up fuckin topping myself for sure. That wasn't for me, I know that. But when it's 10 O'Clock at night and your going in to bed on your own again it's a fuckin' horrible experience. Not even for the shagging, just to have someone next to you that you care about and that cares about you. Someone to wake up in the middle of the night and turn round and cuddle.
But I felt like I was becoming a little fuckin' nub of a man. Being ground down, just accepting things I didn't agree with for an easy life. Surely that's not the way to happiness? Maybe it is, I get the impression that lot of people I know have just "given in", stopped running. Take what they have and be happy with that. Maybe some day that'll be me too, just taking what's there to avoid living out a lonely fuckin' existence. Dying alone? Fuck that.
Anyway, the whole "health" thing hasn't really kicked in. I guess I'm not eating really shite food much, and I'm definitely not drinking anywhere near as much as I have done. But exercise has been minimal to say the least. I guess it's one step at a time for now though.
Looking forward to going back to Glasgow next week for my mama's birthday. Have a few business meetings too which are another step back home, so we'll see how that goes. Who knows, maybe I'll just say fuckit, and stay there. Although, I do say that every time I go back.
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