This unattainable business is kicking in again. It's a complete fucking nightmare. It's nice sometimes, but knowing I'm too much of a useless cunt to do anything about it makes it all futile as fuck. Just when I think I'm out, it pulls me back in... Fuckit...What you gonna do...The problem is I know I'm a fat, ugly cunt so I can't get past that when thinking about trying something. So again we're back to getting fit, not boozing, smoking and eating shit food.
Fuckin' hell, why the fuck can't I do that simple task!? A wee bit of will power, that's all it would take. But no, the easy road of boozing and shite food always wins the day. I am a fuckin' weak, weak person. That's the problem. I need to approach this like a project. Set myself targets, milestones. Have a meeting with myself to discuss how it's going, where things are going wrong and address them. That's what I should do. Set myself realistic targets. Lose say between 5-7 pounds a week. At my current level that should be pretty acheivable. In a month I should have lost around 2 stone. So if I start now, then by christmas I should have achieved a reasonable level of fitness. Try not to overdo it over that period, then kick on after the new year.
I think I'll give it a go. Starting today, I'm going to make a note of everything I eat, and the excercise I do that day. Fuckit... It's got to be worth a shot. And like I say, if I plan it like a wee project I might just be able to do it.
Quite busy in work again today, but I'm slipping again. I'm doing things to stop doing work. Looking at meaningless pish on the internet, sorting out the music in my iTunes. Anything that I can do to *not* do work. It's fuckin' frustrating, because I *want* to do the work. I really fuckin do. Why does this happen? Fuck knows...
I'm beginning to feel like I thought I would. I feel like I'm doing ok, not too down etc... So now I feel like I have fuck all to say. Fuck all to contribute. This is the time though when I should be thinking about what to do long term. I think part of the problem is I'm scared about moving to a new job. I've been shite for quite a while now, what if I moved and then I couldn't pick up right away? Then I get the bullet because I don't have my reputation to fall back on. I'm just the "new guy who's fuckin' shite". I need to get back, make sure when I move that it's a stroll. I stroll into the new work and impress for the first wee while. Then I can sit back and be a useless, miserable cunt again.
I was thinking about not going to see "the woman" this week as I'm feeling not too bad. But I dismissed that notion as quickly as it came. I think it's important to keep going regardless of whether I feel ok in the days leading up to it or not. Until of course the time comes when I feel like I have nothing else to "get out" of me. I wonder how that works? Does she just tell you one day..."ok son, that's you fixed...no need to come back now." Or will she just keep it going as long as I am willing to keep handing over dosh? It's interesting and worrying at the same time.
I don't want to be one of these cunts thought that has a "therapist" for years and years. I don't want to start relying on it/her too much. I just want it to kick me in the right direction then I'll take it from there. If I can get rid of all these shite feelings I have, then learn how to deal with new shite feelings that come along then I think I'll be alright.
Well... as alright as every other cunt.
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