I can't fuckin' shift this fuckin' horrible, empty, hollow feeling that I thought would pass with a few days laying off the booze. Instead it's engulfing me more and more as the days go on. I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but dunno what for or more importantly how to get rid of it. I feel like I'm losing my fuckin' mind. I've always had something that I've said "if I get this/that/whatever, then I'll be happy" but right now I feel a fuckin' intense feeling of complete and utter hopelessness. I feel myself hanging everything on moving back to Glasgow, if I can make it back to Glasgow then I'll be fine. Which, when/if the reality ever materialises is gonna be another huge fuckin' disappointment when I don't feel better about anything. I just dunno how much longer I can take of this without completely losing the fuckin' plot and making an arse of everything. Then I would just fuckin hate myself more for causing another fuckin' drama.
I think it might be best to go back to the docs here to see if speaking to someone else, or trying something new will help me out. Fuck knows, those tablets didn't help before. Or maybe they did and I just fucked it up with drinking on top of them. I just feel like I'm in some sort of limbo where I don't know what I want, I don't know what will make me happy and I can't seem to do anything to help myself. Anything I do, I end up fucking it up myself. Like I have some sort of self destruct button that I can't help but press.
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