I had another appointment with the loony doctor/counsellor type woman today. I think it might have been a wast of time. She's still harping on a wee bit about the whole cutting thing. She was saying how I was reluctant to "surrender it" completely. What I was trying to explain to her was that, I don't think I'll do it today, or this week or even this month. But to say I'll *never* do it again would simply be folly... wouldn't it? I can't say for certain that I won't do it. I know for sure that I'll want to do it. I guess it's just going to depend on how strong those feelings become. And how well I'll be able to deal with it.
Thing is, I know everything that I'll ever know about cutting. I know why I started, I felt shit and it's what Richey from the manics did "I hurt myself to get pain out"... I know that's a proper pathetic reasong for taking blades to yourself but that's the reality. I didn't do it *just* because Richey did it, more to do with the fact that I needed something to make me feel better, and I gave it a try.
But in all honesty, and I know this is a pathetic thing too. I sometimes look at my arm and thing the cuts look pretty cool. Like some sort of badge of honour. Something that "defines" me maybe? Fuck knows... fuckit...
I'm going back to see her in 3 weeks. Although I'm not sure if it's worth my while anymore. I feel "ok", which was all I was looking for really. I know the reasons why I am the way I am now. And I know what I need to do to fix everything. And in a word. It's booze. No question. I drink, get pissed then don't feel like cooking, order shite food. Wake up, feel shite, drink again, order more shite food, don't exercise. Then want to cut yourself cos your a cunt.
Hardly fuckin rocket science, and I don't need to pay someone to tell me that cutting isn't really conducive to a happy life do I? We'll see... I do like going if I'm honest. Like a wee oasis in my week or month, I can go and moan and have someone tell me it's ok to feel the way I feel.
Fuckit... We'll see...
I feel a bit mental right now. I think I might have overdid it with the painkillers for this sciatica business. It was fkn agony earlier, eased off a bit now but my head feels a bit mashed. Not really a good thing I guess. I'm not really a fan of painkillers, surely they can't do any good for you. It's not like they "fix" you. Is it just to make you a bit more comfortable until your body fixes itself? I mean... surely pain is an indication that something aint right somewhere. So you should maybe try and deal with the cause, and not the symptom?
Or maybe I'm just mashed.
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