Once again it's been a looooooooooooong time since I posted anything.  Yesterday, I read back over everything I've written since last year.  Some of it I can't believe is the same person that I am today.  It was weird and interesting at the same time, and made me want to write a wee bit more.

Things are starting to get a bit better.  There's lots happened in the time between the last post and this one.  I guess the major thing being a friend of mine dying.  I'd known him for around 3 and a half years, he'd started work with my company not long before me.  But it was only recently that we'd become what you'd say good mates I guess.  We would share our stories of women troubles over a few drinks, moan about work and football and generally have a laugh.

One day he asked me to go for a beer with him, his head was a bit all over the place because of a girl.  He wanted to have a beer and a chat.  I'd just come out of hospital after having surgery on my back to sort out the pain I was having in my leg.  But I didn't really want to let him down.  We went out for a few beers locally, then drove down to the next wee village to another couple of pubs.  He wanted to drive to Oxford after that, but I convinced him that we should go back to the hotel he was staying in that night, ditch the car and have a few more there.  I was still pretty anaesthetised so I didn't really want to drink too much.  We got back to the hotel, sat in the bar and had another couple of pints.  By around 10 O'clock I was fading, so I thought... fuckit... I need to go home and called a cab.

I gave him a hug and a kiss and I told him everything would be cool. 

For some reason, a couple of hours later he decided to get in his car and crashed into a parked lorry on the A34 in Oxfordshire.  He was 26.

The next day I tried calling him, but the phone just kept going to answerphone.  I was worried that he'd slept in and was gonna get busted from work.  But as the day went on I started trying to find out if anyone had seen him or anything.

I found out later what had happened. 

Obviously I went and got fuckin blitzed on my own.  My parents were down looking after me because I'd just got out of hospital, but I couldn't deal with it.  I had to be on my own.  Was it my fault?  Should I have stayed longer? Not gone at all? Is there anything else I should have done?  Did he do it on purpose? Or was he just a fuckin drunken idiot who thought he could drive.

Was I just making it about me?  Was I just being a cunt?  I just didn't know what the fuck was happening, what to do, or how to deal with anything.  So I do what I do best, got fucked up with booze and the prescription pills that I was on. 

It's been tough, but I guess I've dealt with it not too bad.  I have to meet his fiance this week, she found out about him seeing someone else down here, and wants to meet me and two other people from work.  I met his mum, dad and sister last week too.  This is it though, one more meeting with his missus then I'm done.  I've become pretty good friends with the girl he was seeing down here.  The whole thing was fucking with his head, but not enough for him to want to do anything ridiculous.  Fuckit... Anyway, I figure that there's nothing else I can do for him, so for the next wee while I'll look out for the girl down here.  If I can speak to his family and missus and make them feel better then I'll do it, but I can't be fucked getting involved with the fighting between his family and his missus.  I understand that they just want someone to blame, some reason to try and understand why this shit has happened.  But I don't know any of them... All I know is I went out for a beer with my mate, and now he's not around.  And it fuckin kills me.

I just feel as though I want the world to give me a wee break.  This whole business with my back, in agony for months, popping prescription pills for months.  No further forward to figuring out why my mama is becoming more and more forgetful by the day.  Which is killing me too.  I hate speaking to her on the phone, she's so passive now.  Scared to speak in case she says the wrong thing, every question you ask she asks or looks to my old man for the answer.  That's not my mama.  My wee mama, that I'd fuckin die for in an instant.

Then there's woman business... This fuckin girl.  It's all just doing my head in.  I spoke with the loonball doctor who reckons that it could be because of all this bad shit that's happened recently, that I've been feeling so vulnerable that the fact a good looking girl was nice to me has made me fall for her.  All I know is I can't fuckin shift her out of my head.  She has a boyfriend, but with recent events I got pissed and thought, life is too fuckin short.  Sent her a text telling her just how amazing I thought she was.  I spoke to her the next day and apologised for sending the text, but not really for what I said.  She said she thought I was amazing too, but she wanted to stay with her boyfriend and work things out (they'd not been getting on well)...

The thing is... I know I'm a fuckin idiot, I know she's out of my league, but there have been times when I've looked at her and I feel like I've got *that* look back.  You know the look I mean.  When you both know that there's *something* there.  Fuck knows.. maybe I'm just living my life too much like Dawson's Fuckin Creek and I need to just cut that bullshit out.  I also know though that the things I see as being something there, can also be easily explained away.  Things aren't great with her boyfriend, she has a fight with him, she can come to me and know I'll make her feel better without her feeling like she's done anything wrong.

There was a time when I was lying in bed around midnight, and I got a text from her not saying anything in particular.  But is that normal?  She's at home with her boyfriend, at midnight and decides to text me to talk about the weather?  Fuck knows... Maybe I read too much into it.. she's young I guess.  But she's amazing.  Everything I'd want in a girl, good looking, good fun, loves music, wants to travel, same sense of humour, wee bit mental.  I-fuckin-deal.  Apart from the boyfriend and the fact that she probably doesn't feel anywhere near the same way as I do.  The other day I was just sitting at home, and I noticed it was sunny outside... that reminded me she was going to a barbecue that day for her brothers birthday.  Then I just started thinking, I wonder if she thinks of me?  I wonder if I come into her head for no reason.  Probably fuckin not was the conclusion...  So I went upstair, probably with the aim of just looking at internet porn and turning my room into a wanking furnace once more.  But I checked MSN, and she was online, with her "show what I'm listening to" thing on.  And she was listening to me... listening to my songs.  I was so fuckin happy, I didn't even bother having a wank.

On the positive side of things, I've been playing loads of guitar, writing, recording and playing live loads.  It's amazing.  An absolutely amazing feeling to play live and to see people enjoy it.  Been taking singing lessons and met some really cool people from doing it.  One guy that I'll likely start a band or record music with for a long time to come.  Him and his family have been great in helping me progress and get better at what I want to do.

So there ye go... that's about it for now.  I've been to see the loony doc a couple of times, but nothing really to report.  I kinda feel like it's a waste of money now.  All I'm really doing is going there and offloading, so what's the fuckin point in spending the dosh for that?

Fuckit...