Back to work today.  Went to see my mates family on Friday, what a fuckin mess he's left.  2 girls distraught, one who thought she was "the one", loses her man, finds out he was cheating, then has to fight with his family over pissing, stinking money to make sure she doesn't lose her house.  I can't imagine my parents contesting any life insurance money with my fiance, who I'd been with for 6 years, and had bought a house with - which was the reason for the life insurance anyway!  Surely there's no reason that the money should go to the parents?

Fuck knows...  The law is an ass.  I can understand to some extent how they are feeling.  They want to blame someone, I guess they didn't like her much beforehand.  They see it as, she's young, she'll move on, and some other guy will move into the house that their son bought.  It's a fuckin mess, and I'm glad I'm not the one to try and figure it out.  My mate wouldn't have wanted this though would he?  Regardless of what was going on, or what they think of her, or anything like that.  6 years, a house and an engagement would suggest that he thought a bit about her.

I don't wanna get in the middle of it all.  The problem is I'm an opinionated cunt, so I can't help but take sides.  I managed to do my best though to just keep it all to myself on Friday and just do my best to try and make everyone feel a bit better.

I went for a pint with his dad, that was cool.  He looks loads like Mike, but much quieter.  Maybe he was just struggling a wee bit, I was struggling for sure after meeting his missus, so I was a wee bit pissed.  Fuckit I thought...  Just get through this.  It's not gonna be easy, so I guess I reverted to type and got pissed.

After meeting up with them I continued up the road to Glasgow.  My parents were on holiday until the Saturday so I just went straight to a mates house and got more pissed, sat up until around 8 in the morning, drinking, singing and talking shit.  It was a good time but too much boozing.  Glasgow, like always, ended up with me spending too much money and not doing the things I want to do.  I resisted the temptation to go and meet a girl that would have been a mistake.  But I was a bit disappointed that another one didn't fancy coming for a drink.  But I guess that's just normal isn't it?  I shouldn't read too much into it...

One of the toughest parts of the whole weekend though, was finding a pile of letters, cards and shit from the only 2 girls I've had real, long term relationships with.  Even though I knew it would be horrible, I couldn't help but read them.  There was one card with a poem in it titled "Why I Fell In Love With You" with a long poem in it, and at the end, "But you knew all that anyway... x x x"

And I can't fuckin shake that out of my head.  If all that is true, when did I become such a cunt?  All this love bestowed on me, all the cards and wee fuckin bits of paper and a napkin from the night she fell out with her parents and she stayed at my parents in my single bed, with just a JL "hearts" JC on it.  And it fuckin kills me. 

It fuckin hurts to think that somebody has ever felt that way about me.  It seems like such a long fuckin time ago that I felt like it was ok for someone to feel like that about me.  That I'm fighting every day to convince myself that I'm not a horrible cunt and that I am "loveable" in some way.  And here is the proof, it's all there.  And I can't believe it.  Either that or I won't believe it.  I'm still not able to accept that someone could give me the love that I know I will give them.

What the fuck is that all about?  Why do I do this to myself?  Why is it so hard for me to accept?  Is it the old Ricki Lake, Trisha and Jeremy Kyle bullshit that "you can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself"  If it is then I think I'm fucked.  I think I need that validation, the confirmation from someone that they love me.  And then I'll be better at loving myself.  Do I really believe that?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING FOR!!?!?

Fuckit...