Over a week of no new post and not one email from my 30 or so dear readers to see if I've topped myself. Can you believe that? Pfft....After everything we've been through? Haha....
I've been feeling pretty good in all honesty, and have decided that this should be the end of this dear blog. It's been hard going a lot of the time, and it's upsetting reading back through all this shit. So... Friends, readers and general mentalists... This is it...
That's not really why I haven't been posting, I was working on site, staying in hotels etc and working until 11pm most nights, then I managed to get myself to Glasgow for the weekend. It was an amazing weekend, far better than the last time I was there. It was really difficult to leave in all honesty. Seeing my parents for the first time since the found out I was a mentalist wasn't exactly easy either. So I dealt with it the way I always do, I got pished and did it. But it was good...
I staggered in around 3:30am on Friday, my dad had been waiting up and had actually just given up and gone to bed when I called to ask him to open the door. We sat up until around 7am just talking. It was good. But seeing them, looking older... obviously not gonna get any younger. It's made me think about what I should do for the best. Maybe back to Glasgow is exactly what I need. I need to be around my family, my friends...my people. I am worried about my mama, like I said, she's looking older... and people are starting to notice her memory going a wee bit. She's only 53 FFS!! And that fuckin' worries me.
But I'm thinking more rationally than that, I need to make sure I don't make an arse of my own future for the short term benefit of being in Glasgow. Changing jobs in the current economic climate would be a mistake for sure. I may not have a great reputation here right now, but I have been here for almost 3 years now and that must count for something...right?
So... sit tight for a bit longer, see what's going to happen.
I was feeling shite on the way back down the road, but I've learned to distinguish the difference between that and depression. It's normal to feel down about leaving Glasgow, especially after such a great weekend. But it's important to know and remember that it'll pass, if you don't indulge it. If you don't nurture those horrible feelings then they'll leave you alone. It's not easy to stop yourself from falling into that black hole, but it is possible. And it's important to keep in control of it.
For everyone who has read the shite I've had to write, I dunno what to say... Thanks I guess... Especially to those who contacted me and said that what I had to say helped them in some way. And anyone who might come across this blog who wants to email me then feel free, I'll always pick up and respond to the emails.
To my mates, who have put up with the tears, the late night boozing, the bleeding, the stained shirts, the moaning, the self indulgent bullshit, the hysterics, the crazy ideas and general mentalism. Fuckin' hell, I dunno how I can ever thank you for still being around. You all know who you are, and forever and ever I won't forget it.
To "the woman". My Therapist... I think she was just able to kick me in the right direction. She was exactly what I needed. Someone who wouldn't pander to me, who would question me and someone I couldn't just dismiss as bullshit. I think I'll still keep going to see her every couple of weeks, just to keep me right.
I know that I'm not "cured" of this shit, I know that I'm not walking off into the sunset to live happily ever after. But I feel in a better frame of mind than I have for years, and I'm going to try and nurture that. Build on that, and try and keep it as long as I can. This blog has helped immensely, and reading it back I think has been really important. I can see the "waves" of feelings, and remembering the way I was feeling at a given time is an important part in trying to notice when it's happening again.
So... Fuckin' Hell... this is it..
Maybe I'll be back one day....
...But I fuckin hope not.
Cheers...
Me
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