Couldn't face posting an entry yesterday.  Felt pretty weird all day.  Think it was the communication with the ex that caused it.  Anyway, last night she replied to my email.  It kinda went along the lines of "I'm not gonna ease your conscience, I do hate you and I don't think fondly of our time together.  Those memories are overshadowed by the bad ones."  It was a pretty long email, but she could have saved herself a lot of typing by just sending....

"Me, You're a fucking Cunt

Regards,

Her"

So yea, I felt fuckin horrible reading it.  And in true fashion this wee guy inside decided to laugh at me, tell me how much of a horrible cunt I was and that I'd probably be better of cutting myself, or going and getting fucked up. 

But I never, I just sucked it up.  No cutting, no boozing no nuffink or nuffink....innit....

I rationalised.  I was in a situation I wasn't happy with, and I dealt with it.  OK, my state of mind at that time wasn't particularly great.  And I didn't deal with it very well.  But I did my fuckin' best...  I tried.  I knew something had to be done and I fuckin' made it so.  I'm sorry to the people that I hurt along the way (she said she doesn't believe I'm sorry), I am truely fuckin' sorry.  It's not in my nature to fuck people over (she thinks I screwed her over).  I go out of my way to accommodate people, to make sure everyone else is ok.  Probably more so I don't have to think about how much of a fuckin' mess I'm in myself than anything else, but still... It's good to not fuck people over.

And then I rationalised again, I tried to talk to her... explain that I know that I dealt with things wrong, but ultimately it was the right thing to do.  I was going to reply to the reply, but fuckit... I don't need to.  I tried to offer her some kind of explanation and she wasn't interested.  I don't need to explain myself anymore.  I can let that whole thing go.  I'm out.

So today, I feel pretty good.  Getting through loads of work.  And generally enjoying being alive again.  Not had a drink since last Friday, been eating much healthier and I feel fuckin' good for it.  I'm gonna have a few beers tonight, but that's ok right?  One night a week, and not getting too fucked up is a healthy attitude to booze right?

Fuckit... it's healthier than it was!  That's for sure.

Progress... one step at a time.  Innit?

I'm learning too... On how to "catch myself"... to not wallow and let this wee "friend" inside me get the better of me, and drag me into the depths that I've let him take me all too often.  I feel like I can control him, notice the signs when he's coming out to play and make sure that I'm in control of how he behaves.

I dunno whether people reading this prefer to hear how shite I'm feeling or that I'm doing ok.  I guess it's pretty boring to read that someone is doing ok.  But then it starts to become shite, lies to keep readers... when all this is, is a vent... somewhere for me to lay down all my shit.  And maybe give one person a bit of hope, that even when there seems like there's nowhere to turn, and that nothing matters and that you'd be better of harming yourself or topping yourself... That one day, it gets better.  Accepting that in general, life is shite.... bad things happen that you have no control over, and you need to deal with those when they come.  But sometimes, things happen that make it all worthwhile... you make someone smile, you make someone happy. 

And you know it's worthwhile being alive.