Once again I need to say thanks for the great response and support I've had from the people who have read the blog in the last few days. Don't worry, I'm not gonna keep saying thanks, as it does seem all a bit gay. But please believe me that it means a fuckin' lot to me right now.
One of the comments I got was from a guy who saw some graffiti saying the above statement. "Stupid People Don't Get Depressed"... I thought it was a fuckin' great comment. And as the day went on I started thinking about it more, and whether it was really true and if so why was it true?
We see these fuckin' muppets strolling through life at a canter, reading heat magazine, the redtops and being enthralled by Hollyoaks (sorry for stealing that part if you're reading this). Would I want that life? If I could trade in all this fuckin' shiteness, to coast through a life where my only worry was whether some character in a soap opera was really the kids dad, would I do it? Take the red pill...ignorance is bliss??
Fuck That.
No fuckin' chance.
I think that if your mind can venture further than your wee fuckin town, and the TV then it's almost difficult to *not* be depressed. If we're honest, the world is a *fuckin' shite* place. Murder, Rape, Abuse, Fuckin' people over. Countries building bombs that can wipe out everyone at the flick of a switch. Fuckin' hell, surely there's something wrong with you if you're *not* depressed by that shit?! But take the red pill, you wake up in the morning, believe what you want, have a quick tommy tank and stroll into your pishy job with a smile on your face.
Of course I understand there are beautiful things in the world, sitting on a beach watching the sun go down. Fuck me... Walking at night looking at the stars in the sky after a wee smoke, fuckin beautiful. I guess the joy of kids is something that many say is a beautiful thing, but isn't that unfair? Almost selfish?? Bringing someone else into this shitey world, to try and make you feel better about it? Fuckit...Fuck knows, what do I know.
I have until lunchtime to finish the next stage of this work, otherwise it will be my head well and truly on a fuckin' spike. I feel like I'm getting back though. Back to being fuckin' good at my job again. Not good like before, where I had the passion to do it. I feel like the fight in me has gone a wee bit, the fight against the pressure. Knowingly taking on too much work because I wanted that pressure on me, so I could pull it off and stand saying. "Look at me, none of you cunts could have done that" - I've had enough of that. I feel like I'm more functional in what I do now, like a well configured machine. Not being creative anymore, just writing good functional code that will work. Boring as fuckin' sin.
I feel like I want to help people. I have a friend that always takes the cunt out of me because I always say "I could do that" and I said it the other week about counselling. I've always had that "I can do that" attitude with regards to work. I've never felt like anything was beyond me. Anytime I couldn't do something it was more through extreme fuckin' boredom than an inability to complete the task.
Maybe moving into a new field wouldn't be so bad. But a counsellor? Hmm... Could I detach myself enough from hearing about everyone else having a fuckin' shite time of it without losing the fuckin' plot myself? Fuck knows. Doubt it...
I had another meeting with "the woman" yesterday. I explained that my old man had read everything about me, and he'd also told my mama. It's fuckin' tough knowing that they know everything about me now. But fuckit, I feel better for it. I feel like I don't need to hide anything from any cunt anymore. Is that the same as "hitting bottom"? Fuck knows... But that's how I feel, I don't need to pretend to anyone that I'm having a fuckin' wonderful day when inside I feel like there's nothing but blackness and I feel like my head is going to explode with the billions of thoughts that are running through it at a million miles a second. There's no point in saying to my old man "aye I feel great" when he's gonna come on here and read the truth anyway. It's kinda liberating. And incidentally, I feel better within myself already.
I'm conscious of the fact that this might be me riding the crest of the wave of the last few days, and it could all come crashing down around me. But I don't think so. I feel that since I've been going to see "the woman" there has been a proper steady incline in how I've been feeling. Which is much better than just the fuckin' all over the shop highs in lows of before.
Maybe I'm getting better, which is almost scary in itself... Do I really want rid of this "friend" that's been with me so long?
Fuckin' hell... What a question...
Be the first to rate this post
- Currently 0/5 Stars.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5