I thought I should make an entry in the morning to keep track of where I am after yesterday's wonderful day. I'm sure that no one will be surprised to hear that I'm not quite feeling as good as yesterday, but I do feel that my "default setting" has gone up slightly. I felt a wee bit shitty this morning when I first woke up. I hated myself for eating that dominos pizza watching the football last night, but I only had 2 bottles of Bulmers, so can I count that as some kind of trade off. I've been reading Lola's blog here http://operationlola.wordpress.com quite a bit, and was contemplating whether if I can shift this depression/mentalism/whatever the fuck is wrong with me, then developing an eating disorder might be a suitable replacement? It will get rid of this fuckin' beer gut *and* I can still label myself as a mentalist. It's a win win situation.
I'm kidding btw, so please... no outraged emails about belittling ED's. I have enough on my plate...
Anyway, yea... I feel good today. I was speaking to my cuts today, proper mentalist behaviour I'm sure you'll agree. But I was kinda saying goodbye to them. Goodbye to that time in my life. It was quite sad to think that I won't do that again. I know that sounds mental, but that's how I was feeling. It's nice though to feel like you've made some progress. I was thinking about getting a tattoo to remind myself of this time, but not in the same way as the cuts remind me to be a mentalist. But to remind me when I'm feeling shit that it's ok to feel shit, and that I can get through it. I can look at my arm and my tattoo and remind myself I'm a fuckin' top guy. That I can do anything I want and that I won't let some fuckin mental illness take all that away from me.
I've always wanted to "be someone". And I think it's within me to do just that. But this fuckin' bleak outlook on life has kept me in my place. Taken away my drive to be something. I want to be a revolutionary. I want to change the world. Don't worry... I'm not hitting some "manic-phase" and thinking I'm Che Guevara. But I think I can make a difference to people. Probably the most realistic way is by going back to my old way of thinking and tweaking it slightly. Make lots of money, and when I'm at a reasonable level, use it to help people. Of course I understand that this may *never* happen. But if it never happens it doesn't matter, because the journey trying to get there will be enough. The goals along the way will be stimulating enough for me to be able to enjoy my life. Not like before when all I could think about was how I could cheat my way to that level. Miss out some steps along the way to building my wall. And it all came crashing down. Now I'm starting again... And it's gonna be the best fuckin wall you've ever seen. Solid foundations, built fuckin high... And one day I'll sit at the top of my wall and look down on my empire.
And I'll fuckin love it... Cos I done it right...
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