It's 09:16 right now, I know the time that it says this will be posted won't say that, but that's because the time on the server is set to US time. But rest assured, it's 09:...17 now. I started watching My Zinc Bed on recommendation from a friend. It's made me want to go and get fuckin' hammered. It's difficult to explain why. I don't feel down/sad/whatever. I just feel like getting pished. I've also decided I need to curb listening to melancholic music so much. Arab Strap in particular. The ease at which you can indulge in a lifestyle of getting fucked out of your tree on a regular basis and be almost happy with that existence is essentially, worrying.
I also heard that Malcolm Middleton said that all the songs he's ever written were when he was down/depressed. He said "When I'm happy I've got better things to do than to write songs" Fuckin brilliant. Obviously he's put it more concisely than I ever could, but I like it. I guess that could also be the reason that I find it difficult to write this shit when I'm feeling good.
A guy once said to me "What You Portray is What You Become" - I've used it a few times cos I think it sounds like it's maybe a bit "profound" or "deep". But I've never really given it any thought as to whether it had any relation to me. And now as I sit here thinking, I'm pretty sure it does have some relevance. I *always* portrayed myself as a drinker. Always. Try and drink more/quicker/stronger than anyone else. Have competitions where I would down a pint while the others downed a spirit and mixer. It didn't matter whether I "won" that race, the fact that I took it on was enough. When I go out, the first pint is always 2 pints. The first one doesn't count. When I go to the bar, I order one for myself then the round, so I can drink mine while I'm waiting for the rest of the round. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting pished. That's not in question. But I think I enjoy getting "caught" buying cheeky ones too by other people in the group I'm with. And really, I don't enjoy drinking as such. In the sense that I don't enjoy the taste of beer or alcohol in general.
I'm also thinking about the way I feel about things. Maybe I've always *wanted* to have something "interesting" about me. To be a deep, meaningful, complex guy. Almost a "flawed genius". Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting. I think if I could be any character from any movie, ever. That's who I'd be. A fuckin genius, who goes out and gets fucked up with his mates. A true tragedy in the shakespearian sense. Although in the movie there's a nice wee fluffy ending. I don't want that shit.
I've always thought I'd die young, that there'd be fuckin' *loads* of people at my funeral, and that everyone would eulogise about how much of a "tragedy" it was. I had it all in front of me etc etc... Although, I guess I'm getting too old to die young now. But then Jimi, Kurt and Jim had a year on me and they say that they died young. Maybe I'm good for a wee bit yet.
I think about dying a fair bit. Not me dying as such, but death in general. People dying. What's it like etc... A good friend of mine lost his father last week, a couple of days before I went to Glasgow. He was in his 70's but it was still a shock to the family. And I thought about what it was like for him. Downstairs on his own. Did he know that was it? His time was up and he had to deal with it by himself. Or did he just go to sleep and not wake up? I'd like to think it was the latter. There was no fear or panic or anything like that. I fuckin hope so.
It's now 09:41 - 25 minutes to write this shite. 25 minutes that I'll never get back, and when I read it over will waste another 2 minutes.
So to the millions [sic] of you reading this. I apologise for the stolen 2 minutes.
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