Yesterday was fuckin' hard. Talking to someone that way. The woman brought up the fact that although I was emotional, I couldn't crack in front of her. I just sat with my leg twitching, tears welling in my eyes and rattling my keys. She explained the psychology of me trying to be 2 different people. When I'm with family and mates I'm (generally) a "happy", funny guy. But then I disappear on my own and make myself cry. She explained it could be down to things that have happened that I've never dealt with. When something bad happens, I just bury it inside and run away to the next thing. So all these things are bubbling underneath and when I go on my own and cut myself or cry it's my way of trying to get it out.
I think that's what she was getting at. Maybe I'm wrong. Although I never cried in her office, when I got to the car I fuckin' bawled like a little kid. Probably harder than I have in years. It was hard not to think about everything we'd just spoke about, everything felt really raw... Like an open wound almost, and I cried all the way back to work. Then for another half an hour in the car.
That one session explained quite a bit to be honest. I think I am depressed. I know I've not "dealt" with things that have happened. But when I think about it, these things happen to other people too, and they just appear to get on with it. But then, fuckit... They're not me.
She also said that she didn't think that CBT was the main "thing" I needed, she said something about me being a really deep thinker, and I would just over think the CBT treatment or something. She said we'd incorporate some of it, but the main thing should be psychotherapy.
I feel a bit better about everything today, (although this fuckin *head* is still there), although in fairness it's not as bad as it was.
I don't feel as angry, or anxious or everything that goes with that today. The way I've been feeling the last wee while at least.
I'm still struggling to get some work done though. Maybe it's time for a change, get out of IT. Do something different. Who knows, it's worth thinking about though. Something that I don't need to sit at a computer for 10 hours a day would be a start. Maybe move to Argentina, open a hostel. As long as we had enough money to pay bills and live then could be a good life. Good women, good football, good steak...what more could you want?
Right now I do feel that a change is what's needed, I've "ranted" a lot about "what am I doing here? living here? working here?" and it doesn't make any sense. I don't need to be here, I don't need to live here. I've got nothing here really, a very few mates who I would miss, but would still keep in touch with. A job that I'm falling out of love with. And that's about it. I'm building nothing here, no "nest egg". Nothing for the future. I'm just coasting, picking up my wage. Paying my bills. And coasting along. But like I said, I could do that anywhere. If I can do that anywhere then why *choose* to do it here?
Who knows. Again, it's something to think about.
I know I've got a wee road I need to keep travelling along for now, get myself on more of an even keel. Then I can decide what to do for the best.
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