So, yesterday and the day before I missed my posts. I doubt I had anything useful to say in any case, but still I think I should try and do it every day.
Anyway, today, I was trying to rationalise to a few friends about how I don't particularly "like" people, but I can't deal with being on my own either. WTF is that all about? I guess I was trying to rationalise it to myself as much as them. But I did start to question whether I actually didn't like people, or whether it's more to do with an inherent *need* to be liked and accepted.
I play the role of someone who doesn't like people so that in the event of being rejected, I can take comfort in the fact that I don't like people anyway. Does that make sense? Is that really the case? Maybe... Fuck knows, what the fuck do I know.
I've also been thinking about burds, I'm at this stage now where I don't think I'll ever get another one. Well, any burd that I'd want to be seen with. I can't be doing with a "moped" burd, you know the ones... alright for a ride, but a bit embarrassing to show your mates. That's probably the second funniest thing I've heard this year, beating whatever was second before that but still not as funny as the what's brown and starts with a P joke.
That might sound shallow as fuck, and if I met a burd that I really thought was cool, and thought it was worth it I wouldn't care what other people thought. But I don't think that's gonna happen.
Fuck knows....Fuckit.
I'm moving in to a new place next week. Maybe I should look at that as a chance to start something new. Sounds a bit of hippy, new age bullshit. "A new chapter in my life" pish. We'll see.
I can't fuckin' sleep right now and I've to be up in 4 hours for work. The thought of going to this job becomes more and more depressing as the weeks go on. I think it might be that I'm not as good at it as I thought I was, or maybe the work isn't coming to me as easily as it has done in the past. I guess I just need to ride this wee rough patch out and hope that things pick up.
Been thinking about cutting myself more and more, ordered some new scalpels so we don't end up with the Gillete Fusion Debacle again. It's difficult to know why I want to do it. I tell people I do it when I want to "catch my thoughts", when things run through my mind so fast. But I'm not sure if that's really what happens, or whether I made it up. I am pretty convinced it's attention seeking, I want people to be shocked at what I've done. But I'm not entirely sure exactly what *type* of attention I'm looking for. Sympathy? Maybe, but it's a bit of a shitty sympathy thing. Pity? Maybe again, but again... That's a pretty shit reason.
I think the bottom line is, whatever the reason is. When I do it, I feel better on some level. Maybe analysing it will be someone else's job one day, but right now I'm happy to accept that I feel shit, I cut myself, I feel better. I can live with that for now. I think as well it's the fact that I'm so weak that I hate myself. I hate that I'm overweight, but I hate even more than I'm too much of a fuckin' loser to do anything about it. There is part of me that thinks, if I lost say 4/5 stone then I'd be happy, and everything else would fall into place. But isn't that the same false economy as with the money? Is that a real target that could make *everything* in my head better? It's worth giving it a go I guess, eating healthier and exercising will help with my mental wellbeing in any case so there's no harm in trying. So I guess the self loathing comes back to the fact I don't do it.
Fuckit... I'll start tomorrow. I've been doing ok with laying off the booze, so maybe this is the next logical step. 1 pint and 4 bottles of beer in the last week isn't too bad, so now trying to cut out the shit food and to make sure I exercise more. Five a sides is booked for this week, ideally another game a week and I'll be laughing.
Sounds oh so very easy.
Shit, this looks like it's the longest entry I've made on here. But fuckit, no cunt is gonna read it any way so I can take some comfort in the fact that I'm not going to be boring anyone to tears.
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