Once again I find myself standing up writing this shit because of the extreme pain in my leg from this fkn nerve problem.  And once again I'm not 100% sure why the fuck I want to write again today, but I do.  It's interesting knowing what I'm allowed to write, or maybe more what I should and shouldn't write about, because I've told so many people about it now I'm not entirely sure who still reads it and whether I'm going to say something I shouldn't or something that will offend them.  Fuckit... What can you do.

Got a bit fucked up over the weekend again, following on from the previous weekend where I got fucked up with a friend of mine in London.  It was a fuckin great day, spent it in Camden Town and bought myself a hat.  It's cool as fuck.  I've never really been one for hats, but I just thought "I want a hat" and I saw it and bought it.  Proper man shopping.  I want another one now though, although I think people think I'm a wanker for wearing it.  Who gives a fuck though, I fkn like it.

I went out on Saturday into Oxford with a group of friends, including the wee girl from the other week.  It was cool, things seemed pretty normal... It had been pretty awkward (probably more on my part in all honesty) for a few days.  And even today, been speaking ok... having a laugh, all that business.  Just like it was before I made an arse of it all.  But I'm just thinking now.  Is this what I want?  Can I deal with this?  Can I deal with the inevitable conversation one day when she comes in talking about some guy that she's met, or her new boyfriend and all that shit?  Would it be better just to say now, fuckit... We're not mates, I have mates.  I don't need any more mates.  I now really do think that it is definitely possible to be friends with a girl, but only if that's all both of you want.  If one wants more, then they can only ultimately be hurt by the friendship in the end.  The jealousy or disappointment or whatever it is that comes when the other person finds someone else.  Or do you just hang in there, hoping one day she'll change her mind, or that the feelings pass and when the day comes, you can deal with it all without too much fuss?

Seems like a pretty dodgy game to play to me...  Especially trying to play the long game after the rejection.. Fuck that.  And yet, as I type this... I'm offering to lend her money I don't really have to pay for some stuff because I don't want to see her stressing about it the way she is.  I guess the question is, what part of the game am I playing?  Fuck knows.... I'm pretty sure it's the "hoping the feelings pass game", because there's no way I think that anything will come of it now.  I think it was all pretty much decided when we had the wee chat that we should just be friends. 

Fuck knows... Fuckit...

Although, I do feel ok about the whole business as it goes.  I feel ok about most things right now, I don't feel particularly down at all.  Just a wee bit "where to now" kinda way...ya know?  Like I'm trying to get somewhere and going the long fuckin' way round to get there.  Not that it's bad, it's just, almost frustrating that I'm still in this limbo of "almost"...all the time.  Almost where I want to be, almost have what I want... Almost am who I want to be.  But always never quite there...  Mr. Average.

Ran out of pills the other night, so spent yesterday evening clucking like a fuckin junkie.  Un-Godly sweats and shivers were the order of the day.  I guess throwing down more pills than you should every day for the last 4 months and then cutting them off completely will do that to you.  It was fkn horrible though, and a wee insight into what awaits me upon my recovery I guess.  Surely it would be bad for them to just cut me off completely?  What a fuckin' junkie...

Got some more this morning and still feel like I have a proper sweat on, and still in fuckin pain.  Not to mention a bit fuckin mashed.

I feel like I could fuckin' lose it with someone today for sure, poor cunt.  I hope no one tries to be a smart arse today cos I'm really not in the fuckin' mood.  Cunts...

Fuckit...